I decided to temper this heart pour-out with a comical pic of Edgar. Alright then, you ready for this? Please scroll past if talk of love and lack of it bores you.
I was having a nice chat with my friend Angela and she was telling me how she sees me finding love when I least expect it. In the past I did believe in that, very much so. But over the past few years I have become extremely jaded. We can attribute it to being in a relationship for 6 months and then finding out that not only were you being cheated on that entire time but you were actually the other woman. That revelation being the catalyst for a nervous breakdown.
I had given up on love, I felt like if I couldn’t trust my instincts there then what could I trust? Then this last guy walked into my life. He made me believe again. I felt things I thought I would never feel again. I opened up my world to him in a way he didn’t even deserve because he hadn’t earned it, but I did because I thought this had to be it. People say it happens when you least expect it and he came out of nowhere. Things had never felt so right. Then I found out not only was he leading me on, but he was flat out lying to me about his feelings in an attempt to use me for what miniscule status I held in the horror community. How pathetic.
That last one probably damaged me more than the cheating. So now here I am, desperately wanting a great love, and to settle down and marry and make babies. But I don’t really feel like it’s possible. I feel like any guy who has walked into my life romantically has lied to me and broken a piece of me. Couple that with a slew of guys who live too far away taking interest and then dropping me the moment they get a girl who lives closer to them. Needless to say I’m pretty jaded. I’m sure that any guy who walks in now will have a harder barrier to push past because of what I have experienced. And we won’t even get into my childhood trust issues because that is a whole other ball of wax, and one that I have worked past. However these relationship things definitely poke them back up from time to time, no doubt.
I am envious of everyone around me who’s in love and has a great relationship, but I don’t see it for myself. I just cannot believe that any guy will just look at me and say “That girl, I need her in my life.” and pick up his life and move here to be with me. I’ve also relegated myself to believe if this magical guy does exist, he doesn’t exist in or around Rochester. If he does exist I’d have to import him here.
All in all I just see myself living this solitary life, which breaks my heart because I feel like I deserve love and I have a lot of love to give to the right person. I just don’t see love for myself. I want to be wrong. But it seems pretty clear to me that I was destined to be alone. And that really sucks.
End scene.
